Eliminating Negative or Toxic People From Your Life- Part 1

What is a person who believes in forgiveness to do when they have a toxic person in their life?  I do not use the term “toxic” loosely.  Toxic to me is a person who causes you emotional pain purposefully, who tears you down, one who uses and/or abuses you.  This is not a one time incident for a toxic person, this is ongoing behavior.

What is a person to do who feels guilt over removing a toxic person from their life? Usually a toxic person is someone you have a very significant relationship with; a spouse, a sibling, a parent or in-law. 

If we look at the scriptures we find verses that seem to give differing views regarding our enemies.  For example: Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitfully use you and persecute you.  Also Matthew 5: 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. However; you will find that upon closer examination they do not.  The Lord wants us to be happy, he wants us to be in the best position in our life to bless others, to come closer to him, and eventually to return to him.  The Lord knows that at times in order to do this we have to remove ourselves from certain people.

I first want to address Matthew 5: 38-42

38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

Our first inclination upon reading this, especially verse 39, is to assume it says that if someone mistreats us we are to not retaliate and let them continue the behavior.  However, after researching these verses, because I too had made this initial inference, I discovered that is not what the Savior was teaching us to do. You must read this verse in the context of the historical setting.  The verse states that the person smites you on the right cheek.  In order to smite someone on the right cheek what must one do, they must turn their hand over, in other words, back hand someone.  When you back hand someone it is different than a punch or even a slap.  A back hand slap is an insulting slap, it is meant to humiliate. The reference of smiting on the cheek is a reference to a Jewish law.  According to Jewish Law if you slapped a person with the palm of your hand you would be fined 200 zuzims.  However, if you slapped a person with the back of your hand the fine would double to 400 zuzims.  Under Jewish law to backhand a person is considered an insult and humiliation worthy of double the fine.

            During this time period remember the Jews were ruled by the Romans and were subjects to them.  Physical revolt against Roman rule was not an option and would only make the situation worse for the Jews.  So, what does Jesus say to do, he counsels people to take initiative and turn the other cheek to allow the Roman to slap the other cheek. What does this achieve?  First off the victim does not passively accept the wrong done to them but actively responds by challenging the offender to inflict more wrongs.  By doing this the victim achieves two things.  First, it restores the dignity to the victim, in that he is refusing to be humiliated.  Second, by turning the cheek the victim is causing the perpetrator to think about his actions.  If he slaps him on the left cheek with his open palm, under custom, he is treating him as an equal with the second slap, as the backhand slap is the slap which designates humiliation upon someone viewed as less equal.  Imagine if you back handed someone that you deemed inferior to you and the person stood there without a word then turned the other cheek so you could strike them again.  What would this cause the perpetrator to do?  In some cases it would cause them to rethink the injustice they are inflicting on the person and in other cases it would provoke them to strike you again.  In the later case the person brings a greater condemnation upon themselves. Romans 12:19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

In verse 40: And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

This illustrates an impoverished debtor whose coat, or undergarment, is taken by the creditor as payment.  Under Jewish Law and found in Exodus 22: 25-27 one could not seize the outer garment of a person past sunset. So what does it mean when the Lord says to the one who owes a debt in a legal proceeding to give his cloak also?  It seems that an inference of a wrong was done to the debtor, so I am assuming that the collecting of the debt was done as an act of humiliation upon the subject of Roman rule.  In the example the Lord says to give up your cloak also.  In other words give up your outer garment.  This once again causes the perpetrator to rethink his actions.  If the creditor takes the outer garment he is violating Jewish law and exposes himself in plain view as an oppressor who exploits his subjects until they are impoverished. 

Verse 41: And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

Under Roman rule a Roman soldier could compel a citizen to carry his equipment for one mile.  Forced labor was humiliating and resented by the ruled population.  Jesus tells the person to comply as it is law, but to take it further and go with him one more mile.  What does this achieve?  Once again it causes the perpetrator to rethink his actions and empowers the victim.

In these situations the response of the victims enables them to address wrongs done to them that they otherwise have no legal remedy to address.  It enables them to restore their dignity and by submitting to more wrong doings it exposes the injustices done upon them and heaps a greater condemnation upon the perpetrator.   

When we read these verses with the historical context in mind we remove our present day interpretation that we are simply to be passive and let others take advantage of us.  This is not what Jesus was teaching.  This is especially evident when you read Matthew 10: 34-38. Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.  For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.  And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.  He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.

Part 2 to follow